Talked to Mary today about Planet of the Apes. She loved it. As I've mentioned, I couldn't exactly lose myself in it, as I was constantly being brought back to earth by the need to shift over as far as possible in my seat, but here's my review/quibbles (and unlike Mary, I'll try not to give anything away):

• Yeah, OK, I get that it's paying homage to the original. I don't care. The "Damn Dirty Human" and "Damn them all!" speeches just made me roll my eyes.Yes, I know they were in the original. They were still too heavy-handed. (As Maneesh said "Boy, Tim Burton must have really great biceps to be able to support such heavy hands")


• Charleton Heston yelling about the evil of guns is pretty funny, though.


• Do you think he'll disobey orders and do something foolhardy that will put him -- and everyone else --in jeopardy? Don't be ridiculous


• Orangutangs? Why?


• "Trust me, and I'll show you something that will blow your mind, change your world" -- After all, I had a 13-inch penis in Boogie Nights.


• How, pray tell, do you explain the horses?


• Somebody get that woman some antihistamines. She's obviously been stung by something, and her lips are swelling up.


• Apes can't swim? Yeah. Whatever.


• Yeah, he'll buy that.


• Yeah, she'll buy that.


• I don't care how stunned they are, when a human fights a silverback gorilla -- or hell, a chimpanzee -- the human is going to be ripped limb from limb in a matter of seconds.


• A little overdone on the flying apes thing, thanks.Yeah, it's a cool effect, but please. Use it sparingly .


• Do you think he'll disobey orders and do something foolhardy that will put him -- and everyone else --in jeopardy? No, that would never happen.


• I've heard of Deus Ex Machina, but this is ridiculous.


• What -- what -- was he thinking with that ending? No sense. None. Feh.

On the upside, the music was cool (thank you, Danny Elfman), the costumes were great, the effects were pretty damn cool, and I did yipe out loud a couple of times (and that was from the movie, not the pervert sitting next to me.) If you're in the right mood, it's a fun summer movie, I guess. I expected a lot, and was disappointed.

Speaking of said perv, this is the reaction I've gotten thus far:

From Elaine: I had a similar experience in a theater in Chicago years ago. Luckily there were lots of empty seats so I was able to move before the final sticky denoument. It forces one to head straight to the washing machine. I wonder if it was the same guy.
What a truely dreadful thought. It's like some curse -- every 30 years, the eldest Jersild child will be grossed out by a man with a jones for gratifying himself in public. I mean, sure, it beats being turned into a werewolf, like Oz on Buffy, or slowly going crazy from insomnia, like that family in Italy, but it's still pretty icky.

From Newton: That is truly revolting. Tell me, how did you broach the subject with the theatre employee? What were your EXACT words?????
My exact words were, I believe, "I'm reasonably sure there's a guy masturbating in the theater." Upon reflection, I should have told him where in the theater said guy was sitting, but I just wanted to get out of there.

Mary said she would have made a scene, which is exactly what I should have done. Next time (god forbid) I stand up, point and yell. And demand a free ticket from the theater.