So I'm open and honest about my reasons for not wanting to be open and honest in my blog, and what happens? I get yelled at.

What a load of old guff Jersild. Either you're up for public exposure or you're not. If you are, go for it. If you're not, put that thing away. Otherwise you're in that meaningless middle-ground of family-picture Christmas greetings and wish-you-were-here holiday postcards. Respect the power of this medium, goddammit. I could be using your bandwidth for political subversion.

Newton

PS: Oh yes, how's the old self-worth this morning then?

Oh, I'm just fine, thanks. Thanks for asking. This, I might emphasize, is someone who refuses to reveal his name on his site. So there. (Granted, his site is something that could get him firebombed, but still, I feel vindicated.)

Despite that fact, I've decided to try to let it all hang out, reveal all about myself. And what better way to do that than with silly-ass tests from thespark.com and emode.com?

Here are the results from thespark:



Untelligence test:
You are: 47% Un-telligent! which is significantly lower than the current average of 60% Here is the custom report of your personality that led our team of geeks to conclude (with confidence) that you are a sad and hopeless excuse for a woman:

The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence, and her sense of observation is one of her best qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.

Also, as much as we hate violence, an occasional mauling is one way to solve day-to-day problems like unpleasant coworkers or pesky door-to-door salesmen; she just isn't tough enough, sir, and she avoids any solution that involves violence.

Finally, the subject displayed a poor (and a little bit boring) sense of humor, a decent and respectable sense of morality, and a hot shot self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals.

I was educated by Quakers. Blame them for the violence thing. And just because I don't think you're funny doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor.

Death test:
Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on: June 2, 2040 at the age of 69 years old. On that date you will most likely die from:

• Cancer (26%)


• Heart Attack (11%)


• Suicide (10%)


• Third Degree Burns (8%)


• Alien Abduction (7%)


• Alcoholism (6%)


• Homicide (5%)


• Confusion (5%)


• Drowning (5%)

I would have thought confusion would have been much higher on the list.

Plus, I'm

• 38% gay


• 56% pure


• destined to sleep with seven people in my lifetime


• pegged as having the personality of a mastermind (submissive introvert abstract thinker).

As for Emode, it says that

• my celebrity match is Sting
  Since you're a sucker for aware, artistic Renaissance men, that makes [Sting] exactly your cup of tea.
  


• If I were a dog I would be a St. Bernard
  Loyal and goodhearted ... [y]our naturally protective personality is reflected in the way you treat people close to you. Sheltering your nearest and dearest from harm (or bad news, for that matter) is high on your priority list. ... People admire your strong morals — and how well you stick to them.See? See? I'm just trying to protect you all from bad news and such. I was bred that way. As for the high morals, I don't know how that meshes with 42% bitch and 35% slut
  


• My celebrity look is casual (like Meg Ryan, but hopefully with better hair)
  For you, a freewheeling, low-maintenance lifestyle is a simple virtue. Or laziness. Whichever.
  


• My inner rock star is Macy Gray (see above)
  You are an intriguing, glamorous, groovy girl—free and fabulous as they come. ... One minute sophisticated urban diva, next minute keeping it true to the street, you are style, sass, and cool without even trying.Does that "street" vibe come in just because I live in a "changing neighborhood"?



• I am midway between Good and Evil in matters existential, sexual, black-hearted and passive-agressive
  We all have evil thoughts, and you may have acted on a few of yours, but you're probably okay traveling through Buffy's turf. Or maybe you're an aspiring evil person and you've never given yourself a real chance. I vote for the latter.
  


• I will be married by Saturday, June 25, 2005
  On the social front, you are not looking at an immediate marriage prospect. ... Emotionally, you seem to be fairly ready for marriage. ... You have very few sexually motivated reasons for avoiding marriage. I'm sure my mother is thrilled.
  


• I'm a "silly flirt"
  You know that laughter is often the quickest way to someone's heart. Your conversations with "potentials" are always peppered with the latest jokes and catchphrases, and you'll do anything — including humiliating yourself — to get the object of your affection to crack a smile. Hmmm. I never realized I was trying to humiliate myself as a flirting stratagem. I figured it just happened.



• My aura has a Crystal vibe
  That shimmering, iridescent aura reveals your sensitive, introspective nature. A soft-spoken romantic at heart. ... when you occasionally misplace your rose-colored glasses, your idealism can take a pounding. That's when you retreat inward, spending meditative time by yourself to restore your sometimes-too-fragile outlook on the world. And I always thought that was basic misanthropy. I am a sensitive flower! So stop screwing with me, Newton, or I'll try to up my evil score by working on my "acts of malice against ex-boyfriends" and "placing houseguests in potentially horifying circumstances" catagories.
  

Now you know.