I don't even know what to say. I drove into work yesterday, and heard about th planes hitting the world trade center towers as I was parking. Came upstairs, listened to the news a little more, and then we all decided to get the hell out, just in case. (Our office is in the same building as the Israeli consulate).

Nothing happened in Chicago. The downtown just emptied out, and we all went home. Wendy brought one of her staff, who lives downtown, back to our house, as they figured big tall buildings were more likely to get bombed than little dinky buildings in "changing neighborhoods."

And here's where I'm having problems, trying to figure out what to write -- if I'm going to write about how I reacted, what popped into my mind, I'm going to have to include the snarky comments that popped up. Because I did have snarky comments. I don't want to give the impression that I'm not taking this seriously, that I'm unaffected, that I don't feel the fact that so many people died.... God, i can't forget that. I'm terrified, and broken up, I'm numb, I'm hysterical .... I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of people choosing to jump fromthe WTC towers rather wait for it to collapse....God. I don't know if I'll ever forgive the media for broadcasting those pictures. Jesus.

And in a weird sort of way, I don't know whether I deserve to have a reaction, to have any thoughts on the matter. The people I love are safe, and out of harm's way. We were never under any credible threat. My sister and brother-in-law are in Wilmington, my other sister inthe Philly suburbs, and my parents in the middle of nowhere in Montana, probably the safest of any of us. All accounted for. The folks I know in NYC and Arlington also accounted for, and OK. Thank god. What right to I have to talk?

So don't read if you don't want. I just want to get some impressions down.

Came back home and tried to wake up Wendy, only to discover she'd already left. I tried to get her on her cell phone, but nothing was getting through. Finally got in touch with her, she said she was downtown, i freaked and told her to get the fuck out, she said she would as soon as she found out whether some of the downtown dwellers wanted to stay with us. I hand't even thought of that, and felt ashamed for not considering it. Wendy's a better person than I am, I'm afraid.

Tried calling my parents, my sisters... all lines busy. My cable modem is down, so I tried to install AOL just so I'd have some connectivity. Also busy.

Mary called, told me about her sister, her family. God. Told me N from northern Ireland was trying to get in touch with me, to make sure I was all right. It's never a good sign when someone from a virtual war zone is calling you to make sure you haven't been bombed. I finally got through to him later in the day, tod him all was well (or as well as could be expected.) He's supposed to come visit next week -- will he be able to fly? We don't know.

Listened to the news on NPR and kept the TV on mute so I could see the pictures. That was probably a mistake. Saw the towers collapse, people waving from the windows... Christ. I can't put it into words.

My sister Laura called, to let me know that my other sister, Amy, was ok, to findout if I was still at work. She was calm, talked sense. I was a bit hysterical. I couldn't get te thought out of my mind that probably thousands were dead. I envy Laura her faith, her ability to pray, her ability to trust in God. I don't have that. I wish i did.

I couldn't sit still, couldn't sign on, couldnt do anything. I turned on all the radios and paced around my apartment. Finally, I started cleaning my kitchen, just because I couldn't sit still. Now I officially know what it takes to make me clean voluntarily -- a major terrorist incident with massive loss of life. I'll live with a dirty kitchen, thanks.

Wendy and Dean came up to eat lunch, watch the news. We were appalled, but joking sometimes -- reacting to the fact that the news kept revealing the "secret location" that Bush had been whisked away to, but not where Cheney was. Hmmm. "President Bush has been chained to a super-secret railway track at logitude this, latitude that, and is invulnerable to attack there. Really. So no one even try. Because he's vital, I tell you, vital to the national well-being. Pay no attention to the vice president who's actually running the country. We have no idea where he is." Also, the local news kept cutting in to talk about what Chicago was doing (nothing), and we started getting the impression that our civic inferiority complex was kicking in -- "Chicago is, I repeat, really is imprortant enough to be bombed. We have big-ass buildings here, which are definitely worth being the target of terrorism. I'm sure the evil terrorists simply overlook all of our workd-class civic features and accomodations. It's just an oversite, and we could be attacked at any time. Because we're worth it, dammit."

Dean and Wendy went back downstairs, I paced more, than made cookies. Why? Something to do with my hands. Anxiety cookies. I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The cats kept waiting for me to sit down so they could snuggle, but I was to keyed up. I still can't comprehend it all.

I want to give blood, but the last time I tried they said i couldn't til November, which will be a year after I visted a "suspect" part of Mexico. I'm healthy, dammit, and I want to do something. Take my blood. But I can't.

Since I was completel offline yesterday, I wasn't able to check out the Portadown News message board until today. These are people who deal with terrorism all the time, and for the most part, they were sympathetic to us. Thanks, everyone.

It feels pointless to be at work today. What are we doing to change the world? What are we doing here? Would i want to die here, doing this, as all those people in the WTC did? Fuck no. It's not worth it.

I'm numb. My brain isn't processing it all.

Be careful, take care of yourselves.