Weird day today. Wendy graciously offered to take me to her church for a memorial service for the victims of Tuesday's terrorism. I've been feeling like I could use some spiritual solace, not to mention maybe something that would help me make sense of the whole thing, get a little comfort somewhere, so I went with her. (I don't belong to a church, and the churches in my area are all either Spanish of Ukrainian. I know, I know, it's a weird neighborhood.)

Wendy is a Mormon, and I'd never been to a Mormon church before. I was raised Episcopalian and educated Quaker, so my experience with religion has been either pretty high church (sung mass, incense, pageantry galore) or very stripped down (no ceremony, no ritual, no pastor, no music, just speak when the spirit moves you.) The Mormon ceremony was something in between, and, unfortunately, not what I needed. I guess I needed either something totally ritualistic and comforting in that sense, or totally meditative in the Quaker sense.

In Wendy's church, members of the congregation are assigned to speak every week,so you don't get a trained speaker, as you would in a pastor-led church. But because people are assigned to speak you don't get the sense of immediacy and feeling that you do in the Quaker meeting. Unfortunately, the folks speaking this weekend, while they tried to address what happened on Tuesday, didn't really rise to the occasion -- didn't provide what I needed. One of them sounded like she was giving a book report, another talked about bad things she had survived, and the third... I don't even really remember what he said. The President of the branch, when he spoke, was heartfelt and emotional, which I needed. I suppose it makes a difference when you are a part of the community and know the people involved, but I didn't have that advantage.

Then Wendy was teaching class after, and she went over some church history with the group, we sang a hymn, and she asked anyone if they had anything to share about the lesson or what happened. Some folks said some reasonably unobjectionable things --- I can't remember, exactly -- and then this check siting next to me said something to the effect of "I really see that God knew what was going to happen and he made sure that Bush won the election so we have the most powerful and respected leader in office now." Guh.... wha.... bu...ok, killing a member of a church I don't even belong to, no matter how stupid and offensive she is, is not kosher. I held my tongue. Wendy kindly diverted the conversation, saying that the church was explicitly someplace where politics should not be raised. Idiot-girl next to me reiterated, and I continued to not kill her, or scream, or at least smack her about the head and shoulders for being such a dork.

So here's my first several thoughts on why that comment is hideous:

1. You're basically saying that God would involve him/her/itself in election results, but then could not be bothered to stop a hideous loss of life. In my view, either you have to figure God is influencing/controlling everything, or that God permits humans to make their own mistakes. He/she/it may sorrow for us, but God won't stop us. I'd much rather believe that God won't stop us from making our own mistakes.


2. It smacks way too much of "Look! This horrible event validates my political opinions!"


3. Bush is an IDIOT. He's an idiot I will support in this time of trial, but come on, he really doesn't seem like he has more than two brain cells to rub together. Thank god the folks around him seem to have brains.

OK. I feel guilty for spewing so much bile about this, because Wendy was tremendously kind to take me with her to her church, to give me the opportunity to worship and try to take some comfort. It's not the responsibility of the Mormon church to revolve around what I need, what I think is right for solace. These people were worshipping in their own way, and what right do I have to be so critical? I was a guest, there as a favor. Jeez, Sarah, give them a break.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying I want some sort of spirituality, some sense of God, but I haven't found the path to that yet.