I'm still -- still! -- having problems with my cable modem. I'll be going over the libel section of my AP Stylebook at home, but until then, I know I can state facts:

Fact: My cable modem was non-functional for 5 days.
Fact: My cable modem has been only intermittantly functional for the past week.
Fact: My cable modem service is provided by AT&T Broadband.
Fact: AT&T Broadband is seriously pissing me off, to the extent that
Fact: I'm seriously considering starting an
UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR: AT&T Broadband is run by mutant warthogs who are trying to drive me insane.

(I've got to check on the legality of that last bit. I hold that it falls under the "commentary" rubric, and is therefore protected speech. And hell, can you think of a better explanation for why they can't get this right? Email me if you have any other plausible explanations. I'll post the best ones.)

So I was watching TV the other night (shock! Surprise! You must be joking!) (Yeah, well, give me a break, it was after getting my ass -- actually back, chest, biceps and tricps -- kicked at the gym by <Yuppiescum alert>my trainer</Yuppiescum alert> -- I was too damn tired to do anything else except moan and try not to move my arms while the cats pretty much mugged me.) .... Sorry, I digressed. As I was saying, watched Enterprise and Wolf Lake last night, two gloriously cheesy -- in different ways -- bits of tv. One of them will probably be around for a while. The other... well, let's just say I'm amazed it made it to four episodes. But on to the snarky commentary!

Enterprise: First, you must share my pain. I can't give you the full effect, as I can't find the music to link to, but here is the godawful -- again, commentary, protected speech -- and fact, for that matter -- sorry, I'll stop digressing soon -- look! Shiny! -- Diane Warren-penned Enterprise theme song:

It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near.
And I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky and they're not going to hold me down no more no
they're not going to change my mind
'Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
No one's going to bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart.

Trust me, the music just makes it worse.

Otherwise, it's been a fun, cheesy show thus far. They've got a cute dog (Awwwwww.....) and people with silly accents, and fun stuff like that. Capt. Archer is of the Shatnerian mold, expect he can act and isn't annoying. They've yet to explain why they had the weird interregnum of miniskirted StarFleet officers, but otherwise, fun. Plus, plus! next week it's the standard "In Space, no one tells you to use contraceptives" storyline, where the randy engineer with a southern adccent -- his name is Trip, which makes me laugh -- gets pregnant, apparently. Maybe this will explain the genesis of not only the wildly bonking starship crews, but also the Universal Prophylactic that Kirk apparently had developed to avoid leaving a bunch of very odd offspring...throughoutthe ... universe ...who couldn't string a ..sentence TOGETHER ... inacoherent... fashion. Or maybe it's just me.

The other show, Wolf Lake, is just bad, bad, bad, but appealing in an odd way. I haven't been able to tell what way, yet, but I'll enjoy it til it gets canceled (which will happen any day now....) It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

One of the things that really annoyed me last night in my tv-viewing/post-workout stupor was the number of commercials that were basically saying "We've suffered a horrific attack against the foundation of our nation --nay, against our very way of life! (Pause) Now go buy stuff." I know that Chrysler, Chevy and Saturn were doing it. Does anyone else find it ... really distasteful? Enraging, even? Apparently I'm not the only one, as the Washington Post ran this article on the subject.