Well, today ended up sucking. Check Mary's blog for details.

OK, the only problem with torrential summer rains: going inside to the air conditioning. It's freezing in here, and I've got nothing to change into. Brrr.

Alright, I'll cop to being weird and perverse, but I love this weather. We're having a monsoon-type rain right now -- and yes, I've lived in places that get hit by monsoons, so I have a clue what I'm talking about. We're talking buckets of rain. You walk three steps outside, umbrella or no, and you're completely drenched. Water water everywhere. It's the sort of thing that's either going to really piss you off, or really make you laugh. I choose laughter. Literally, I'm squelching down the street, laughing and grinning like a maniac, singing the two lines I know from "I'm only happy when it rains" over and over again with a manic glint in my eye. It's entirely possible I've lost it.

But here's the deal -- doesn't weather like this just show how frickin' absurd we are? We dress up, we dry our hair, we make ourselves look good so we can sit in an office block with a bunch of other office drones. And then it rains. And it all goes to hell. All these serious, workaday peope who usually don't even look at each other on the bus are grinning like idiots at the next person who comes on board, looking like a drowned rat. The windows of the bus are all closed, so it's feeling like our very own sauna on wheels. We're sending up sheets of water as we drive down the street, and there's a puddle sloshing in through the bus door. Fabulous! How can you not love it? We're all just happy idiots, sloshing our way through the rain.

I love this. I LOVE this! Now I've just got to concentrate on getting halfway dry enough that I don't catch pneumonia from the air conditioning. Alas, I've only heeded half of Ford Prefect's advice. I'm not panicking, but I don't have a towel. Damn.

Blogger is going nuts in Netscape. Sigh. Really, really have to get the new template up.

Talked to Mary today about Planet of the Apes. She loved it. As I've mentioned, I couldn't exactly lose myself in it, as I was constantly being brought back to earth by the need to shift over as far as possible in my seat, but here's my review/quibbles (and unlike Mary, I'll try not to give anything away):

• Yeah, OK, I get that it's paying homage to the original. I don't care. The "Damn Dirty Human" and "Damn them all!" speeches just made me roll my eyes.Yes, I know they were in the original. They were still too heavy-handed. (As Maneesh said "Boy, Tim Burton must have really great biceps to be able to support such heavy hands")


• Charleton Heston yelling about the evil of guns is pretty funny, though.


• Do you think he'll disobey orders and do something foolhardy that will put him -- and everyone else --in jeopardy? Don't be ridiculous


• Orangutangs? Why?


• "Trust me, and I'll show you something that will blow your mind, change your world" -- After all, I had a 13-inch penis in Boogie Nights.


• How, pray tell, do you explain the horses?


• Somebody get that woman some antihistamines. She's obviously been stung by something, and her lips are swelling up.


• Apes can't swim? Yeah. Whatever.


• Yeah, he'll buy that.


• Yeah, she'll buy that.


• I don't care how stunned they are, when a human fights a silverback gorilla -- or hell, a chimpanzee -- the human is going to be ripped limb from limb in a matter of seconds.


• A little overdone on the flying apes thing, thanks.Yeah, it's a cool effect, but please. Use it sparingly .


• Do you think he'll disobey orders and do something foolhardy that will put him -- and everyone else --in jeopardy? No, that would never happen.


• I've heard of Deus Ex Machina, but this is ridiculous.


• What -- what -- was he thinking with that ending? No sense. None. Feh.

On the upside, the music was cool (thank you, Danny Elfman), the costumes were great, the effects were pretty damn cool, and I did yipe out loud a couple of times (and that was from the movie, not the pervert sitting next to me.) If you're in the right mood, it's a fun summer movie, I guess. I expected a lot, and was disappointed.

Speaking of said perv, this is the reaction I've gotten thus far:

From Elaine: I had a similar experience in a theater in Chicago years ago. Luckily there were lots of empty seats so I was able to move before the final sticky denoument. It forces one to head straight to the washing machine. I wonder if it was the same guy.
What a truely dreadful thought. It's like some curse -- every 30 years, the eldest Jersild child will be grossed out by a man with a jones for gratifying himself in public. I mean, sure, it beats being turned into a werewolf, like Oz on Buffy, or slowly going crazy from insomnia, like that family in Italy, but it's still pretty icky.

From Newton: That is truly revolting. Tell me, how did you broach the subject with the theatre employee? What were your EXACT words?????
My exact words were, I believe, "I'm reasonably sure there's a guy masturbating in the theater." Upon reflection, I should have told him where in the theater said guy was sitting, but I just wanted to get out of there.

Mary said she would have made a scene, which is exactly what I should have done. Next time (god forbid) I stand up, point and yell. And demand a free ticket from the theater.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

I just got back from seeing Planet of the Apes. Normally I'd give you a witty review, but I'm a little too wigged out. I'm reasonably sure the guy next to me was masturbating, and that's just icky. I have no hard (as it were) or...ew... residual ... evidence, but he was having serious problems with keeping his legs in his own personal space, and there was a certian.... rhythmic... quality to the way his leg/god knows what was moving at the end of the film... and it's 90 degrees out, it was muggy in the theater, and he had a coat draped over his lap. Ew.

So, to the guy sitting next to me at Lincoln Village for the 2 p.m. showing of Planet of the Apes: Listen, far be it from me to quash your sexuality and sexual expression. If the sight of anthropomorphic apes, babes in form-fitting jungle wear or Mark Wahlberg give you the urge to gratify yourself, you feel free to do that -- in your own home. Or at least your own aisle. If it's jerking off next to someone in a crowded place that does it for you, put an ad inthe Reader, I'm sure you can find someone who gets turned on by being jerked off next to in public places. Y'all have fun. If it's jerking off next to someone unsuspecting, well, that you're going to have to deal with on your own -- not next to me.

I hope to god you clean up after yourself.

I told one of the theater employees, and I hope they caught you with your hands down your pants and chastised you vigorously (in a non-pleasing way.) In the future, I will not be sitting next to strange men in crowded theaters. We've already decided that the next movie a bunch of us goes to, I get to sit in the middle.

Now excuse me while I go take another shower and disinfect all my clothing.