Just got back from a Girls' (and Boys') Night Out to see Brotherhood of the Wolf. It was, as they say in French, un piece du caca malorderous. Un piece du Fromage tres stinky. It was crap.

So I've been to two long movies that didn't feel long in the past couple of months -- Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter ended when it should have, I think, and I would have been happy for LOTR to go one for another several hours. This, however, was a long movie that felt longer. Much longer. Endless.

A couple of disclaimers: The house was packed, and we were sitting in the second row on the left. Maybe I missed some of the granduer of the shots. Also, reading subtitles from that angle and keeping track of the images was really difficult.

But enough pussyfooting around. How did it suck? Let me count the ways....

We'd heard that this was a French Crouching Tiger/The Matrix. It was actually a long-format French commercial for spot remover. Soooo many slow-mo shots of mud splashing, blood dripping, clothes being soiled. I felt like I needed Le Shout Wipes by then end of the movie.

It was also, apparently a long-format shampoo comercial. I think this dialog was cut, but you still get the sense of it int he movie. "Gee, Mani, your hair looks fabulous." "Thanks, chevalier. I find it's very important to have bouncy, shiny hair before I go into battle with potentially supernatural beasties, so I use Loup-Garou Shampoo, the shampoo of choice for nobel savages with serious hair-care issues." Honestly, befoe half the fights he got into, the guy would shake out his long, lusterous locks. Wouldn't it be more practical to keep it tied back so you could, I dunno, see who you were kicking the shit out of?

Obligatory -- and pointless -- slow-motion, stop-motion, jerky frames, fading into negatives... you name the artsy camera trick, they did it. Now, granted, as we were in the second row, a lot of the camera tricks just made me carsick.

Does it really rain that much in southern France?

Look! A noble savage! What an incredible concept! And he's your blood brother, but you spend much of the film talking about him as if he isn't even there? What the hell?

Hey, do you think the pretty, coy, well-born virgin will win the libertine's heart? Or do you think he'll end up with the courtesan, who, let's face it, is much more interesting? I wonder....

Hey, that Indian guy sure can fight. And fight. And fight. And fight.... Right, this is getting boring and pointless. And you, blondie, are you ever going to step in and fight with your "blood brother"? Or are you too busy sketching and pitching woo and such?

What is with the witch girl. Surely she will be shown to have some point later on in the movie. Surely....

And now, some complaints that involve spoilers. You'll have to highlight them to read them. Go ahead -- the movie ain't worth the $8.50.

"A beast form Africa." Yeah, ok, but what the hell was it? Were we supposed to believe he'd trained a hyena? A Lion? What?

So they trained it cruely, put armor on it, and it didn't rip their hands off. Right.

Speaking of hands ... That hand revelation was just the stupidest thing. So you've got this arm that you supposedly lost to gangrene, but instead are keeping underwraps for no discernable reason, and then, THEN, we're supposed to believe you have strength in that arm to wield the numbchuck sword.

Oh for fuck's sake, stab the bastard. You're allowed to stab your brother when he's trying to rape you. Really.

So it's this mystical cabal that started off as part of the church and then went beyond the pope's control, and the point of it is... what? To be monarchists printing scurilous things about the king, so he'll need you? To make people believe it's the apocalypse? No sense to that whatsoever.

Ah, the poignancy of the French Revolution... I have no idea what that stuff was doing in there.

So, overall, a truly bad movie. We actually thought we were going out to see a good one, but nope, c'est merde. We should have just gone to see LOTR again. Oh, fine, you're right, or I could see the 20 other movies i've been wanting to, like Beautiful Mind or Gosford Park or Amelie or whatever.

Also, Webster lace -- crappy theater. It sounds like Kat and Bob are moving to Evanston, so we'll have a couple of G(AB)NO folks inthat particular 'burb. The new theaters there are niiiiiiice.