I'm actually a little ambivalent about blogging this, because, well, I want to be a nice person. Sort of. I mean, I don't want to be obnoxious in a way that gets in the path of other peoples' enjoyment of life. I try to adopt a live and let live platitude/philosophy. Tonight that was tested, and I failed at putting my fellow man before myself.

We went to see the Britney Spears movie in Evanston tonight, for Kristin's 32nd birthday -- what? Stop laughing. OK, keep laughing, because that's what we did. Yes, it was crap, but that's why we went. We came not to praise Britney and her ilk, but to mock her. We had plenty of ammunition. There were eight Girls' Night Out folks, plus five other people in the theater. The two people behind us were on the same wavelength, and started laughing out loud at Britney and her pretensions of acting before we did. But the three girls in the front of the theater... apparently they came thinking this was a serious movie, worthy of attention and respect. They shushed us, in the most polite fashion possible, as we made catty comments and improved upon the dialog. And I felt bad, because I hate people who talk during movies -- good movies. We tried to keep it down, but we just couldn't.

The girls were pretty pissed (again, in the nicest possible way), and I almost felt like apologizing, but I also wanted to say to them, "Look, it's the Britney Spears movie. You're allowed to laugh at it. In fact, you're morally obliged to point and laugh loudly. It's crap. It's an insult that it even got made. The plot is hackneyed, the acting (with one exception) is hideous, you can see the lines coming a mile away.... you can't take this seriously. At best -- at best -- it's a vanity project by a pop princess who has exhibited throughout this whole movie that not only can she not act, she also can't even particularly sing -- hell, the only talent she has is in her amazingly toned abs and taut midriff. More likely, it's a cynical attempt by the powers that be in Hollywood to separate you from your money. They keep making crap. Point and laugh. They deserve it."

I didn't give my little culturejamming speech, but we didn't shut up either. We couldn't. It would have been immoral -- nay, un-American -- to let this stuff go by without comment. If we had kept our mouths shut and watched the movie like good little boys and girls, the terrorists would have won. Or something like that.

So anyway, here's what you need to know about the Britney movie:

• It did actually have a title besides "The Britney Movie": Crossroads. Whatever.
  
• The stereotypes -- sorry, sensitive main characters, were a straight-arrow, repressed valedictorian goody-goody, a popular princess and a pregnant trailer-trash "slut."
  
• Britney plays the valedictorian. Already, I'm having problems with suspension of disbelief. (Note: She's a chaste good girl, but spends a remarkable amount of time in her underwear.)
  
• The three had been friends as children but have grown apart. On the night they graduate, a plot device brings them back together.
  
• Said plot device involves schlepping around a large shovel while in formalwear.
  
• Despite their differences, the three girls end up on a road trip together from Georgia to LA
  
• Each has something she's seeking.
  
• Britney wants to find her mom, who ran out on her and her dad when she (Britney) was three.
  
• The princess wants to meet up with her fiance, a college boy at UCLA, who seems strangely reluctant to come home for the summer.
  
• The preggers trailer trash chick wants to get out of town and go to LA for an open record label audition.
  
• Could there be a connection between any of those story lines? I just don't see it.
  
• They catch a ride with a 'bad boy" -- He's got tattoos! He's been to jail! Rumor is, he killed a guy!
  
• They go with him anyway.
  
• Sensitive bad boy likes Britney.
  
• Bad music is perpetrated, including N'Sync.
  
• Strangely, there's a lot of '80s music as well. Huh.
  
• Wackily enough, the car breaks down in Louisiana and they kids need money! What will they do?
  
• Oh look! A Karaoke contest!
  
• Preggers -- you know, the one who is going out to LA to audition before music executives, freaks out and can't go on.
  
• Ohmigosh! Britney saves the day!
  
• But who the hell thought to crimp her hair? And how did you do that in the approximately 2.5 minutes you were backstage?
  
• Do you think they got enough money to fix the car?
  

Oh, it goes on, and on, and on, and on. Except the for Karaoke scene, Britney is dressed like an Easter egg -- all pinks and yellows and baby blues -- for the whole damn movie. The camera focuses on her midriff a lot, since that's where her talent lies. The fates of Preggers and Princess turn out to be intertwined. Sensitive Bad Boy does a Sensitive Bad Boy thing, which melts Britney's heart and loosens her knickers. There is A Tragedy. There is A Reconciliation or two. There is An Uplifting Finale. There is An Extended Musical Sequence. There are Steaming Piles of Crap all over the theater. There is Much Pointing and Laughing.

So really, the only reason to see the movie is to mock it. One day, poor wee suburban girls whose movie-going experience we so rudely disrupted, you'll understand.