I was out all day yesterday, first at Katie and Carlos' baby shower, then at Kat and Bob's Oscar party.

Baby showers kind of make my skin crawl -- look, a diaper bag! Let's all coo! -- so I was glad that this one was (1) a bunch of college friends, and (2) all about books. I can respect that. We all gave copies of books that we'd either loved as kids or that we thought were cool. I gave The Runaway Bunny and Alice and Wonderland. They also got Curious George, a bunch of nursery rhymes, Clifford the Big Red Dog, The Velveteen Rabbit, Frog and Toad, plus Green Eggs and Ham in Spanish. Carlos grew up in Honduras and didn't have the same kids books, so he's got plenty of reading to do before the baby gets here.

I took a bit of shit for giving one book that was just a wellspring of mother issues, and another that was probably an extended drug trip. I don't care. I like them both, dammit.

I left the shower in time to get to Kat and Bob's for the Oscar party (the shower was in Milwaukee, a couple of hours away). Good lord, were the Oscars stinky this year. I mean, please. I feel the need to indulge in Speed Ratings:

Tom Cruise oozing sincerity while trying to convince us that the movies still matter: D

Everyone from Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed to regular schlubs talking about what movies they like -- before anything happened: F

Whoopie Goldberg, in general: D (Is Anna Nicole Smith still supposed to be funny?)

Jennifer Connolly, who is absolutely beautiful, choosing to wear an Ace-Bandage-colored icky gown: D

Jennifer Connolly reading her thank-yous from an index card, without expression: F

Me having to admit that Jennifer Connolly, who I usually quite like, was disappointing as hell: F

Uma Thurman's post-childbirth breasts: A (actually, probably DD)

Ian McKellan snuggling with his hottie younger-man: B+

Ian McKellan not winning the award, and therefore not being able to smooch said hottie before going up on stage: C-

Jim Broadbent winning that award: B+

The Bouffant That Ate Jennifer Lopez's head: D-

The corset dress beneath the hair: C

Random mimes backstage: What the?

Finding out that said random mimes were part of the Cirque de Soleil troupe that did a KICK ASS performance based on special effects: A

Babs Streisand somehow making Robert Redford's honorary Oscar about her: D

Denzel Washington winning: A+

Julia Roberts hugging Denzel as they walked off stage: B

Julia Roberts continuing to hug and fawn over Denzel, actually getting between him and the cameras backstage, thereby making the moment about her: D-

Julia Roberts' pit-revealing dress: B

Gwyneth Paltrow's eyeliner: C

Wondering why they kept focusing so tightly on Gwyneth Paltrow's face: C

The god-awful see-through-top, wrinkly dress she wore that actually made her look dumpy, anorexic and flaccid all at the same time: F

British actors in general: B+

Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson's costume spoof: A

Woody Allen's surprise appearance: B-

Showing a bunch of clips from great movies set in New York: A

Realizing that nothing produced this year even came close to any of those movies: F

The animated characters sitting in the audience: D

The reaction shots of Monster's Inc. when they didn't win: B+

Being able to put "Woman to right of Shrek congratulating his Oscar win, 74th Academy Awards" on a resume -- and probably get a SAG card for it: C

Sidney Poiter's speech: A

Sidney Poiter in general: A

Only using black actors to talk about Sidney Poiter's impact: D

Only using white actors to talk about Robert Redford's impact: D

Realizing how much Robert Redford just was Brad Pitt when he was young: B

Halle Berry's speech: A

Halle Berry's real emotion when giving said speech: A+ (And if she was acting, then hell, she just deserved the award even more)

Russell Crowe pretty much oozing "So, here's my number, call me" as he congratulated Halle Berry's win: D

The washed-out colors that dominated Oscar dresses: D

LOTR only taking technical awards: D, but I'm not exactly impartial

The best part about the Oscars, of course, was being able to snark about them with the Girls' Night Out crew and other tenth-level cynics. It was a joy.