WARNING: I'M DISCUSSING EMOTIONAL "ISSUES" AGAIN. I'LL TRY TO BE FUNNY LATER.

Weird day. There's a flu-like thing going around my voice class, and I was feeling pretty crap yesterday after class. Still crap this morning, so I called in sick, popped some echinacea and Vitamin C, and went back to bed in hopes of warding it off. Slept half the day, and woke up feeling better. So that part went well.

After I dragged myself out of bed, I went online to the blogs/message groups I frequent. And on Newton's message board there was a discussion on fat people -- why they are foul, disgusting, hideous abortions of humanity and should be mocked to death. (I'm paraphrasing, but that's the basic sense of it.)

I've got my weight issues. I come from sturdy-country-folk stock -- I'm pretty much designed to pump out babies and pull the plow. At my most fit, I tend towards the larger end of the spectrum. And personally, I think I look like a cow, but I've always thought that, regardless of how much I actually weigh. I look back at pictures of myself from high school college and think "What the hell was my problem?" But now that I've passed 30, spend the day sitting on my ass, use chocolate as a substitute for caffeine, and no longer ride my bike to work... well, I'm fat.

Sometime after the Q: How do you make love to a fat girl? A: Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot post, I started taking it a little personally. Plus, there was this post from Newton, who is one of my exes, answering the question: "Do fat people date other fat people because they can't expect anything else?"

OK - vital statistics. At my maximum editorial weight of 13.5 stone (as compared to 11 stone now) the answer is that I went out with fat women. Fancying them ... well, that's all in the mind, isn't it? I used to say things like "She's very pretty" or "I really enjoy her company". I would never have said anything like "I used to enjoy that position, but now I can't do it and breathe at the same time."

Here's my response:

Jesus, folks, if I wasn't already paranoid about being a fat bitch, I sure as hell am now....

Not every woman is born to be a size 4. I think it's partly the fact that we're such size Nazis here in the US -- Look, Jennifer Lopez has a fat butt! Drew Barrymore is puttin' on the pounds! Get over yourself, these chicks are skinny, just not emaciated -- that we've got a fair amount of obesity. You just get to a point where if you're not going to be the ideal -- if you've got any meat on you whatsoever -- then you might as well just give up. You're never gong to be pretty or sexy as long as you have thighs and belly and backfat and whatever, so bring on the chocolate!

Yes, that's simplistic. But jesus, folks, I don't even know what I look like anymore. I'm one of the fat chicks the Ed dated. At that point, he didn't complain, but was it just because I was as good as he could get? Thanks, Ed, now you know why that therapy hasn't quite taken yet

On a good day, I'm curvy. On a bad day, I'm a @#%$ zepplin. I don't know which is true.

Look, you go with whatever turns you on. If you like skinny guys/girls great. If you go for "the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'" also great. Why such contempt for people who don't look like you feel they should?

And there was an uncomfortable silence, then a lot of pointing and laughing at Newton, for incurring the wrath of a (fat) ex. One person decided to be a dick (FP The thought of it is making me ill, does that put it plain enough.) but ignorant assholes don't particularly bother me. They're ignorant assholes, and thus their opinion is not worth crap.

A lot of it was shit-stirring. Fine. It's not stuff you're meant to take seriously. I get that. What gets me is the otherwise intelligent, cool people -- like Newton, who I genuinely like and respect -- start shovelling out this sort of bullshit. And I get to the point where I can't tell if it's bullshit anymore. Newton used to love me, I think. Was that because I wasn't so fat then? Was it despite how I looked? Was it just something to pass the time until he lost weight and found someone cuter? Is there any intrinsic value to me outside the the size of my waistband or whether or not my thighs touch when I walk?

One comment from the board I thought was interesting: [My wife] is fat. Technically she's obese. It used to bother me, and still does occasionally, but if I'm honest it's just because I didn't want people taking the piss out of me for having a big girlfriend.

So where are we now -- you're despised if you're fat. You're despised if you like people who are fat. What the hell is going on?

I'm not saying I need you all to worship me as a beautiful goddess. I don't think it's true, so I don't see why you would. I have no objective sense of how I look -- I have days when I feel great and sexy and fabulous, and I have days when I don't think I should be allowed to leave the house. I've never been the cute one in my family -- my sisters are gorgeous, and yes, thin -- and I've had a "distorted body image" blah blah blah pretty much forever. But I have no idea what's real anymore, and that pisses me off.

I told Newton I'd be blogging about this, and he's basically waiting for me to yell at him and talk about what an asshole he is. I can't. I'm not angry at him, I'm just confused and pissed at myself for not being physically acceptable. And I know that is fucked up. But there it is.

But Newton? Every time you ask me why the hell I'm not dating anyone, consider this: As far as I can tell, the people who actually like me think I'm horrible to look at. How fucking willing am I going to be to throw myself at a stranger?