I want to love TiVo, but it spurns me. It refuses to communicate. What am I supposed to do?

I want this relationship to work. I've pushed all the right buttons. I've murmured sweet nothings in its general direction. I've been supportive. I've told TiVo to relax, that there's no pressure, that we can take it slow. But still TiVo refuses to perform.

I got desperate enough tonight to try an expert consultation. The TiVo gurus tried to get my TiVo on the phone, but it just wouldn't talk. "Connection failed." I'm so ashamed.

I may actually have to resort to TiVo aids. The last TiVo guru suggested something that will boost the power, eliminate distractions, allow my TiVo to focus solely on its task. I'm not woman enough for TiVo? Oh, the infamy.

In other news, the TiVo help line hold music is absolutely diabolical. Really. Off-key soft jazz. Guh.