I think I've talked about my pitiful sports career before. I went to a private Quaker school for middle and high school (hence the tagline), and while they were big on non-competitiveness in most things (no class rank, no academic awards, no grade-point averages), they insisted we take at least one quarter of competitive sport a year. For someone with no depth perception, little coordination and minimal stamina -- like, say, me -- this was hell.

In my day, back in the last century, there was only one refuge for the unathletic chick at Friends, and that refuge was volleyball. We sucked. I played on the Friends volleyball team for four years. I got a varsity letter for volleyball, I was co-captain my senior year. And just about every minute of it was hell.

[This is the point where my sisters, if they read this, would accuse me of being bitter and not letting go of the past. Probably true, but damn, you gotta love a good story. Also, I think they took aerobics, which was not competitive and was not an option my freshman and sophomore years. Why didn't I switch? I'm an idiot, and that would have felt like admitting defeat. But the idiot part was more relevant, I think.]

Those two years when I was on varsity? When I was co-captain? Yeah, we didn't win a single game those two years. Not one. I have a grade report from senior year fro m y coach. It reads:

Sarah, without a doubt, you were the hardest-working non-athlete I have ever coached. The mental pain and anguish you bore for four years would have done in lesser people. I admire your mental toughness. Here are your personal stats for the senior years:

Pts: 6 Blocks: 0 Spikes: 3 Kills: 1

Which is all very nice, but it all boils down to "Damn, girl, you sucked." Which, of course, I did.

All of which is a long bit of background that I hope helps you truly understand how mystified I am to find that I really enjoy watching Olympic volleyball. Really. It's cool. I actually know what's going on, and I know what's supposed to happen, and I can appreciate the still that the players show. Hell, I even like listening to Karch Kiraly comment, as I remember our coach making us watch his games in the misguided belief that we would be inspired. I can get into it the way I can't football or baseball or basketball, which I could never hope to learn. I kinda almost maybe a little think I might like to play volleyball again, although I still have no depth perception, little coordination and even less stamina.

By the way, volleyball at Friends has improved markedly since I left (possibly as a direct consequence of my graduation). In fact, one of the Friends players made All State last year. This, of course, is, like Northwestern getting a decent football program, a sign of the Apocalypse.

So, yeah, I'm finding myself fascinated by volleyball, swimming (something else I am at least marginally capable of), since I more or less understand what's involved. I'm also in love with the gymnastics, diving and trampoline, just because it's so damn cool to watch. I have no clue what the mechanics are, and I couldn't hope to accomplish anything that these athletes do, but it's still fun to watch.

So does watching the Olympics count as a physical activity, even if I'm doing so on the couch while drinking a glass of wine? Please? No? Dammit, I've got to the gym tomorrow.

More Olympic ranting. You have been warned.

So why do they make the female gymnasts wear sparkling costumes and do their floor exercises to music? Is it so we won't think about how this little pixie can bench-press you? Or so we don't think about the incredible punishment these little girls are putting their bodies through?

Of course, if I'm going to get all self-righteous about it, I should probably not support it by not watching it. And that's out of the question. Oooh, shiny....

So, instead, I'll continue yelling at the announcers.

OK, assholes. They promo this interview with Svetlana Khorkina with "You won't believe what she has to say about how much she wants to win." I'm going to overlook the stupidity of saying "Svetlana Khorkina walks with a swagger that isn't just for show -- even though it is," which is nonsensical (I'm guessing they mean "even though it is at least partly for show," as opposed to "I will just contradict my last phrase." Yes, my rewrite is clumsy. You know what? That probably means it wasn't good enough to open the damn piece in the first place.)

Wait, sorry, I got derailed. So, promo said something to the effect of "Dear god, this woman is insane when it comes to wanting the gold! A berserker! Nuts, we tell you, nuts!" Well, I think, this is going to be good. Obviously she says something like "I want to rend the limbs of my enemies" or "I will slit my throat if I don't win." But what does she say?

"I want to win as badly as I want to mother my own child."

The announcer marvels -- she wants to win as much as she wants to have a kid! That's insane! that's extreme! That's....

Wait a minute. That's normal.

The chick is 25. If she's like many elite gymnasts, she hasn't even started to menstruate yet, because she's putting her body through such incredible punishment that she simply doesn't have enough body fat to make that her ovaries work. She's worked her whole life for this, has been a world-class athlete for at least a decade, has been to three Olympic games... and you're amazed that she thinks winning a gold is as important as maybe putting her womb to use someday? You're surprised by this? You, sir, an asshole. That whole shock-surprise-damn-she's-crazily-intense reaction betrays a couple of things, which you may or may not have meant:

1. The most important, if not only important, thing a woman can do with her life is bear a child, and
   
2. Any woman who focuses on something other than wanting a child is obviously insane.

Not every woman wants to have kids. We can pursue all sorts of creative, fulfilling, important works that doesn't involve zygotes. If she does choose to have a child later in her life -- and she's 25, she's got time -- more power to her. If not, that doesn't make her any less valuable a person. We're not quite so worried about perpetuating the species anymore, so I don't think we have to make every woman fulfill her biological potential to make new little people.

You want to replay something obnoxious she said? How about "there weren't any shining stars out there that could really challenge her." That's arrogant. That's obnoxious. Saying she thinks winning a gold would be on par with having a kid? Especially when you're 25? Duh. Why the hell else would you put yourself through it if you didn't want it that bad?

God, you drive me nuts, announcer guy.

------------

More disconnected rantings:

"Guys, where is this French gymnastics coming from?" I dunno, maybe... FRANCE? Oh, you mean why are they so pumped? Yeah, I still think you sounded stupid.

Out of curiosity, why don't the women do flip turns in swimming? Do the men? I can't remember from last night. Wait, men's backstroke -- hmm, they do the flip turn in backstroke (which is freaky, as they have to turn over to do the flip turn), but I don't know about the other strokes. We'll see. [Later: OK, women do the flip turn on 100m free, but men didn't for the IM, except for back. Weird. I have no idea what the deal is with this.]

Oh, sorry, I keep trying to mock the swimming commentators, but I get distracted by the pretty, pretty men. There's even controversy and everything, and lots of talking, but.... oooh, loooooooook. Homina homina homina.

Sorry, what was that?

OK, stupid judge. Look, don't ask the athletes to talk about how they feel. Just have them take their shirts off.

Sorry, was that out loud again?

Does anyone else yelp when the gymnasts land on the beam with their crotch? That just looks painful as hell. And yes, I know, that's part of the routine, but ow.

I don't think I could even sit on the damn balance beam without falling off it, much less do handsprings across it. Back to the stupid, rather than the insulting: "Lot of difficult gymnastics at the Olympics...." No, really?

Dammit! I think I missed about 15 minutes or so, and my TiVo tried to switch channels and therefore "forgot" the stuff I hasn't watched yet on the live TV. I missed Svetlana Khorkina floor exercise. Curses.

Congrats to Carly Patterson on the women's gymnastic gold.

Hi. I'm back from California. I have discovered that I have the Best. Tenants. EVER, as they (or at least Ann's mother) redid the back yard while I was gone. There's now grass, and no weeds, and the plants are perky and pruned, and it's gorgeous. Ann's mother can stay here any time. In fact, she was apparently fantastic all around -- even Bug got snuggley with her, and Bug is pretty skittish around strangers. She must have been ladling up the catnip. Whatever she did, Bug is surprisingly laid-back, and hasn't indulged in any retaliatory puking. It's amazing.

So I'm watching the Olympics. I HATE the commentators. More so than usual. Is there a way to mute just them? Please? I'll pay money....God, I SO miss living in Hong Kong, where I could watch the Olympics on the BBC. British commentators just shut up and let the action speak for itself. Why can't the Americans do that? Instead, it's all "Oh, his dreams are dashed! Oh, no one could have predicted that! Oh, the humanity!" Yeah, we can see that. Let us have our own reactions, schmuckboys.

Does anyone else think that the men's tumbling looks funny without music? I think they should either ditch the music on women's, or make the men perform to music too.

Gah! They were doing so well, just letting the Korean gymnast do his floor routine, when non-gymnast commentator has to say "This is pretty good, right?" Shut. UP!

"the ancient Greeks had a god for everything and it's like the god of drama is working here." Oh, lord. SHUT UP announcer guy.

"From the attic of a barn in Wisconsin to the birthplace of gymnastics!" Gymnastics was born in Greece? Really? Oh, wait, I forgot -- SHUT THE HELL UP.

Congratulations to Paul Hamm. That was an amazing comeback. NBC, on the other hand, must be destroyed.

Honey, I just want you to consider how unbelievably pointless it is for you to say "I am absolutely speechless." It's like "this page intentionally left blank."

"Oh, the air... came out of the balloon. And with those mighty lungs from America's Midwest, Paul Hamm filled it up, and gave himself belief that this was possible, and it was! And it is." What....what does that even mean? Do you have any idea what you're saying? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP!

OK, Paul Hamm sounds like he's been breathing helium. Weird.

Dear US Women's Swimming relay team: I don't think you're supposed to treat the laurel wreaths like a hat. You can leave them on during the anthem. Hell, I dunno. Whatever. Nice race, though.

Dear Men's Olympic swimmers: Call me. Any and/or all of you. Yowza.

Dear Bob Costas: Shut up.

Dear NBC: If I hadn't already despised you, the "Olympic moments rock montage" at the end of night would have converted me. You suck.

Argh. OK. Anyway.

I'm considering switching to DSL. Anyone had any experience with SBC DSL? Any suggestions?